The Things Left *Said*.

During this first week of launching this newsletter I’ve unexpectedly lost someone I loved. While this wasn’t planned for this blog, I’ll be sharing my feelings and thoughts while I’m processing this news. As this is something we all move through at different points in our lives.

If you are familiar with my story, this is the fourth man I’ve loved and lost in this lifetime. While we were no longer together, we recently moved through a big situation together and he was the last man I was in a relationship with. I envisioned him moving from our connection onto a beautiful life and prayed for that in my meditations. I saw so many times him enjoying his life and doing all of the things he wanted to do. The process of letting go of what you so deeply wished for someone else’s life, as well as your own, is the greatest act of surrender and trust.

My friend asked me this morning, “Was there anything left unsaid to him? Should you try and write a letter?”

I’ve always written letters when I’ve said good bye in the past, whether it’s a death or a break up. As I return to my property in the mountains next week where we met and discovered the area together, I’ll hike to the gorgeous spot we found on our first date.

We climbed up a steep, mossy cliff overlooking a private waterfall to a magical little crevice where we sat together and talked, we were both clearly nervous and it’s my most sacred memory of him. That is where I’ll go to say my good bye.

I have this planned and wondered if I should write a letter prior to speak out loud in that special spot. Then I remembered, I already said “too much.”

As I mentioned, I’ve lost three previous partners in my life, two of which I was engaged to at the time of their deaths.

Things were not the best between us in the end, we moved through a lot together in a short period of time. I’ve never experienced anything like it with someone, or had so many strong feelings so quickly. During our difficult period he told me I said too much. I wrote too much. I tried too hard to make things good between us when things were ending. I was too much.

And I know I did, but there’s a reason. Which I explained to him.

And this is the exact reason.

The first partner I lost was the greatest love of my life and my best friend since 9th Grade. Time stopped the day we met and I never imagined my life would ever be without him since that day. He was my rock.

In almost a decade we never got into a fight, but some of the last words we exchanged happened to be in our first real argument. I know that shouldn’t matter because we had so many other special moments together, but it did. It’s hard enough to not have the opportunity to say good bye to someone you love, but to remember your last words as hurtful ones you never meant, that’s even harder.

I don’t want to experience that again. I don’t want anyone to have to. It seriously sucks.

So now I say too much. I speak openly from my heart. I send poetry. I send appreciation. I send love. I send prayer. If I become upset and say something I don’t mean, I quickly own it and let them know I’m sorry. Yes, the way I communicate can be a lot for someone who becomes distant or avoidant when they are upset, but it’s important for me to at least try to put the effort in to leave things with good energy.

Do you feel this is important? Or we should just let things be and move on?

I feel more at peace because the last message I sent him was a very thought out message I spent days writing that took full ownership for my part in the break up and let him know I will always be here and ready to be friends. I wished the best for him many times even though he didn’t say the same in return.

I don’t know if he read it, but it makes me feel a little better that I know he left this earth knowing I deeply loved him. I wasn’t always perfect, but I cared a lot.

Shouldn’t we live in a world where we put the effort in to leave people better than we met them, to always speak kindly and leave things on a positive note with those we once loved?

I believe so. But it doesn’t always happen that way, does it?

When I say my good bye I don’t have a letter to read from or words left unsaid. I already said “too much”.

And I will always be the girl who will choose to say exactly what’s on her mind and heart, even when it’s not received the way I wish for. Because I don’t want to look back one day and realize there was so much was left unsaid. I’m not going to only love those who feel the exact same way about me in return, I want to love everyone the best I can and know how to.

I will always choose to be the girl who says, “Oops!” rather than, “What if…?”

In a parallel reality I kept my feelings within and will be going for that hike wondering what our lives might have been if I’d told him how I really felt, if I pushed my ego aside, if I tried a little harder. But in this reality I did those things, and I know the answers.

I don’t hold my feelings within. This is the way I’ve always chosen to live my life. In high school when I even thought I might like a guy, he was the very first person to know almost as soon as I did. I couldn’t wrap my head around why or how anyone could secretly be in love with someone and keep it to themselves. JUST SAY IT!

I get that it’s hard but my god this is what makes life worth living.

The racing of your heart when you’re taking that big risk on love and you don’t know the response you’re going to receive. It’s brave. It’s beautiful.

I’ve for sure scared men and women away for sharing so much of my heart openly, but I’d always rather be the person who feels everything so deeply than the one who is closed off to love when it shows up openly at my doorstep. I will always keep my heart wide open to this life (which is why that’s the title of my poetry book!)

I share this now as your sign to say the things left unsaid because we never know if today could be our last day on earth. Say it without expectation. Without wanting something in return. Say it because if someone is awesome enough for you to care about them or love them, they deserve to know that. Even if they don’t know how to receive it or perhaps even feel a different way than you do. Let’s love just to love.

If we don’t tell people how we feel, how will they know?

Krystal xx