I don't have it figured out.

A late night thought from my bed…

Seven years ago in the back of a borrowed van I was calling home for the summer, in a dusty old journal, I began handwriting my memoir. I was in the middle of a two year journey across Australia visiting every doof (forest festival) possible. I was living in the rainforest and sharing meals on a campfire with fellow nomads from across the world, half of which didn’t speak english.

I didn’t spend much time online then, but I was constantly being told that I should write a book on my life. I finally made the commitment to begin telling my story. In the meantime I thought I’d publish my first book Awakening the Goddess to get my name out as an author before releasing my big story. Well, I’ve published five books and two journals since, and am still sitting on my “big story”.

Honestly all it would take is a few months of focus to complete my memoir, but I’m not rushing it. It’s the one time I’ll write my entire story up to this point. I imagine I’ll complete it by the end of this year for a 2024 release date.

There is a reason it’s taken this long to complete though…

I haven’t known how I’m going to end it until only very recently.

I kept thinking something HUGE was going to happen that would make the ending of the book. I suddenly fell madly in love and got married. I came back home to Canada and had an incredible, life altering epiphany. I figured out my dharma and it was totally different than I originally believed. I found the answers to all the big questions I’d been seeking along my international spiritual quest.

I was wishing for something big. I was waiting until I had it figured out. Like you’re supposed to as you mature, right?

Well I’m reporting back that at 33 I feel I have more questions than ever. Yes I’ve traveled to 67 countries, spent a decade single discovering my myself at wild depths, explored many ancient cultures and spiritual paths.. and even though I have acquired enough life experience for many lifetimes, I can’t say I have any more answers or an extravagant ending to this big journey that really all began on my fifteenth birthday (when my memoir begins, which I’ll share more about in future posts!)

I’ve been thinking about it recently and wonder, maybe the end is actually just the beginning. The tarot card for completion represents a new beginning as much as the completion of a cycle.

While I’m not going to give the ending of my memoir away here, it consists of a lot of surrendering, more so than of knowing, as I originally expected.

All this time I was waiting for something “big” to happen to complete it, when perhaps it always had to do with simply coming home to myself, here and now. Releasing expectation and realizing this moment here is the miracle. The big, extravagant miracle. Right in front of me.

We don’t have to discover all the answers or have some great romance, an epiphany, a life changing event. We don’t even need to understand why things happened the way they did or where we’re going from here, in order to tell a good story and feel this has all been worthwhile.

The story is you being here now in this moment. The big event is your unique human experience. The miracle is you.

As you are right now. In this moment. Reading this. And that is enough. That is worthwhile. That, is everything.

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